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it's not just How Fast they can fly...It's the

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Aging Motherly Wisdom Notes for Milkman
The Conductor Speeding Grannies Ghost Story
New Quarter Recall Looking for Sex Drug Problem
Favorite Flower Home Remedies True Southerners
Short One Suicidal Blonde Three Bears
Just Funny How Do They Survive Something for Everyone
Damn Checking Account The Bull Cops Have Humor Too
Grumpy Old Men Just NOT My Day What Retired People Do
Miss Fire Thirteen Thoughts Poor Little Guy
Bus Tours Apples and Wine CIA Assassins
Investing in Merges Where to Park  Astute Visionaries
The Cop and the Bicycle Just Once When I was a Kid
Colonoscopies Amazing!!! Texas Drivers
Picture This Courage 30 years of Marriage
A Zealous Soul Winner Jesus Saves  

 What has feathers, two legs, two wings, coos like a dove and made of concrete?

It's a pigeon, I just threw in the concrete to make it hard.








A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!"
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here."

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When I was a Kid

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their
backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!


Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty-five, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia! And I hate to
say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean,
when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to
the library and look it up ourselves in a card catalogue!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter --
with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And
there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go
to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait
around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk
over the beginning and screw it all up!

Those were your options! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you

were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we

didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no

idea who it was; it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances,

mister! And there were no answering machines or voice mail. If you weren't home,

you missed the call!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy
was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you
could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you
died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then there were only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon
Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear
what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't have lasted five
minutes back in 1984!

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Just Once

 I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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The Cop and the Bicycle

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the prick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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 Astute Visionaries

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"There is no real need for sales people. Customers will be attracted to good products without assistance."
--Ken Olson, addressing a convention of DEC sales people

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"Who wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And, they said, 'No.' So then, we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--Bill Gates, 1981

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Where to Park

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"

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Subject: Investments Tips 2005

Investment tips for 2005.... for all of you with any
money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some
BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2005.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become:

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become:

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become:
Knott NOW!


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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You MUST kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair".

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them


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Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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Bus Tours

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours ! !

(from Wanda Weaver)

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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs
his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!"


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Thirteen Thoughts for Today

      13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

       12. Life is sexually transmitted.

       11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

       10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

       9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to fish and they'll sit in a boat drink beer and forget to eat

       8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

       7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

       6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

       5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

       4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

       3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

       2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

       And the number one thought for the day:

       1. You read about terrorists; most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years.Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of

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   Benefits of Aging:  

 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has

to be taken for the rest of my life?"
 "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
 There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


 An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"   "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

 if something happens to me ...

your mother is going to come
 and live with you and your wife...."
 Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you

stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 The older we get, the fewer things seem

worth waiting in line for
 Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the

roads weren't paved.
 How old would you be

if you didn't know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would

like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 You know you are getting old when everything

either dries up or leaks.
 I don't know how I got over the hill

without getting to the top.
 One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change from being young.
 Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.
 Old age is when former classmates are so gray

and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
 If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
 First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground

with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf


Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,

Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend.

"My first marriage was to a millionaire;

my second marriage was to an actor;

my third marriage was to a preacher;

and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked,
 "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready,

and four to go."


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Hilarious Words of Motherly Wisdom

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"

"After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"

"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand
out of there and prove it!"

"Now, George, remember what I told you --
don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."

"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
how much the insurance is going to be?"

"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from
the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,
there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

"But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

"That's a nice story, but now tell me
where you've really been for the last three days."

"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and
we've decided you can have your own telephone line.
Now will you quit spending so much time
in all those phone booths?"

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"




Notes For The Milkman

These are actual notes left for the Milkman

"Dear Milkman,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."


"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."


"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note.
 I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."


"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
 window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."


"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SOPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"


"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."


"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."


"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays
and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
kitchen table, because we want to play
bingo tonight."


"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
 I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"


"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."


"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
 as he is dead until further notice."

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The Conductor

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
  playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
  train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! all of you sons of
bitches  who are getting on, get your asses in the train.. cause we're going
down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train.. Soon the train stopped and the mother  heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen.

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A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his
 lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five
 old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
 The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
 exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
 "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than
 the speed limit can also be dangerous."
 "I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!"

the old woman said.
 The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route
 number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked
 the officer for pointing out her error.
 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
 These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
 "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."



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(This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the
bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's real.)

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark
night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and
no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of
his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing
ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a
ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed
the door -- only then did he realize that there was nobody
behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that
the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared
to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was
sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would
surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the
driver's window and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every
time they reached a curve. Finally the guy scared to near death
had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered
two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural
experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they
the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one
says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in
our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

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Subject: New Texas Quarters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State
of Texas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth
much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced
today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are
part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
 "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters,
toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter,
which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford
said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and
the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

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Looking for Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover, Boy, Spot, or such.

I call mine 'Sex' and he has caused me lots of embarrassment.....
    When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I'd like to get a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. I then said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old" and he said that I must have been quite a kid!
    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. he told me that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.", and the clerk replied, "Me too."
    One day I entered Sex in a contest. before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. he told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand.", I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.". He called me a show-off.
    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.". The judge said, "Me too!" Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me, and he said. "Me too!".
    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him around town. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?". I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

    My case comes up Friday....




I had a drug problem when I was young. I was drug to church on Sunday
morning. I was drug to church for wedding and funerals. I was drug to
family reunions no matter the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to
school every weekday. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to
adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my
parents.  Those drugs are still in my veins; and They affect my behavior in
every thing I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or
heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America
might be a better place.




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While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
Morris and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other." 

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"  Morris leaned over, touched his wife's arm
gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

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Some Home remedies .............
 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
 of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
 almost instantly removed.
 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by  getting
 someone else to hold them while you chop away.
 3. Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by
 simply peeing in the sink.
 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
 while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
 from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
 will be afraid to cough.
 7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you
 will forget about the tooth ache.
 Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really
 You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
 If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
 If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
 Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
 If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
 And Finally. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never
 know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

 2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:  "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fer piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

10.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

11.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

12.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

13.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

14.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

15.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

16.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

17.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

18.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk.  Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

19.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10.  The number doesn't matter.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.



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Short Ones


Do you know the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy Tale?

A Northern Fairy Tale starts out with..."Once upon a time..."

A Southern Fairy Tale starts out with..."Now ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit."


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The Suicidal Blonde!

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of
her index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to commit

The doctor scratched his head. "What? You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest. Then
I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast implants, I'm not
gonna shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth.  But I thought, huh, I just paid $2,500
get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee, this is going
to make
an awful loud noise! So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled
the trigger."

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 Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table, he looks into his small bowl.  It's empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.  Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.  Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?  It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...


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  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout
from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

   MORE NUDITY............

  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy

   My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago.

  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from   his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."  

                POLICE # 1...........

   While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she
said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

                POLICE # 2.......

  It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One
day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered,   "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw  her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't  wear
that suit."   "And why not, darling?" he asked.   She replied, "You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin.   Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a
small  box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased.   The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what
he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto
the Sonnn ..... and into the  hole he gooooes."


  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"


  A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy
called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"


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Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head
and ordered six McNuggets.


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get
into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient
store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

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We all need to do Something

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play.  His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem", the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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The Bull and The Blonde

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, >inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch." "I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. 

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "Comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly. "com-for-da-bull".


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"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."


"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?  In case you didn't know,


that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."


"So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"


"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh,did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"


"Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


"Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."


"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."


"Just how big were those two beers?"


"No sir we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."


"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail."


"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.
Sign here."


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Where do Grumpy Old Men come from?


On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."  And God

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years."  The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."  So God
agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The
monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"  And God
agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."  Man
said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man.  Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and
the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God.
"You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy,
and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

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Just NOT My Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs
his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!"


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 A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better.

 I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with child.  What do you think

 about that?"


 The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an

 elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he

 was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella

 instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting

 beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the

 beaver fell dead.  What do you think of that?"


 The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."


 The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


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Subject: amazing


Isn't this amazing? 
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Ga! soline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and
local surcharge taxes
Telephone mi nimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Ve! hicle License Registr ation Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraf! t R egist ration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened

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Texas Drivers


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
 They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"

Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana
and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."


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Picture This

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!



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  A man appeared before St. Peter at the  Pearly Gates.
  "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter  asked.
  "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a  trip to the
  Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who  were
  threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they  wouldn't
  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed  biker and smacked him
  on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose  ring, and threw it on
  the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer  to me!"
  St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
  "Just a  couple minutes  ago


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30 Years of Marriage


 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
 asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
 aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
 This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than       30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
 clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
 During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
 through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was
 unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position
 that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
 financially ruined.

 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
 years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
 she showed him certificates of deposit issued by the bank which were
 worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
 depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three
 decades she had  "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied       and
 these were the results of her savings and investments.
 Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
 husband was so astounded he could barely
 speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any
 idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

 That's when she shot him.
 You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. 


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Soul Winner

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man"?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian"?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost"?

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection"? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be"?

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."


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Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough.
I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
> So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
> They moused.
> They faxed.
> They e-mailed.
> They e-mailed with attachments.
> They downloaded.
> They did spreadsheets!
> They wrote reports.
> They created labels and cards.
> They created charts and graphs.
> They did some genealogy reports.
> They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
 "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed.
 "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,



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